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Healing

So obviously I fell off the face of the blogging planet for a while. 
I needed to heal a little bit before I came back. 
See guys,
I had a miscarriage. 
I have never gone through something so difficult 
in my entire life. 
I'm still dealing with it.
And I wouldn't normally share something like that here,
(because socially people just don't and most of my story is too personal anyway)
except that while I was in the thick of it,
I read a friend's blog post about her miscarriage
and she said the things that were in her heart
and seeing another mamma say those things, 
it helped me.
Thanks Katie.

So here I am.
I'm dealing with loss.
I'm dealing with postpartum anxiety.
I'm hurting.
But I know I'm going to be ok. 

I couldn't have said that at the beginning, 
but I can now.

I am healing. 
I'm still down,
but I will get back up again. 
I have found comfort in knowing that
that sweet baby we lost
will be mine forever. 
I have found comfort in being with my family and friends, 
strength in reading my scriptures
and being filled with the spirit, 
and help from kind medical professionals. 
I heal a little more each day 
through Svea's laughter
and my husband's embrace.
I heal through knowing that I am a mamma to two
instead of trying to erase the pain as though it didn't happen.

I had planned on announcing our pregnancy 
after our trip to Disney
with some Mickey ears for the baby.
When we went, 
I had just finished miscarrying,
but I realized that part of my healing process
is to acknowledge what happens in my life,
so I got those ears embroidered for my baby Björn (bear)
and we took photos anyway.
I know there is light ahead
and I know how hard it is to see sometimes,
but we can make it through.
After all, 
we are being cared for daily by a Heavenly Father 
who knows exactly what it's like to lose a child.
And He strengthens us.

To you mammas out there who are struggling
in the darkness of miscarriage,
and I know there are so very many,
you are not alone.
And I am here for you.
Dolls by Dancey Pants Disco
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